YOU TAKE THE MOON AND YOU TAKE THE MOON AND YOU TAKE THE MOON
by Hoshi no Kafei
Summary: In this complete and total clusterfrick, the Stardust Crusaders find themselves lost in Clock Town with a pair of rather unsavory tricksters at their heels. Contains heavy doses of Fire Emblem, Klonoa and Sonic the Hedgehog. Rated M for drug/alcohol use, suggestive scenes, and Robotnik's monologue from the Real Time Fandub.
1. Chance Encounters of the 64-Bit Kind

"Wait, there wasn't supposed to be a forest in the middle of the desert…"

Jotaro and Polnareff took a good long look around the woods they had stumbled into. It should have been a mirage, but the rustling and crackling of the leaves below their feet said otherwise.

"It's the perfect place to meditate, you know?" Jotaro mused, stretching out on a bed of moss. "C'mon, Pol, join in… Pol?"

At this point, Polnareff had found a wide, gaping hole in a hollow tree. "Hey, look! I bet there's something really cool in there! Lemme just go look— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

_Jesus Chrysler, Polnareff just fell down that hole! I better go follow him_. Without thinking, Jotaro Naruto-ran into the hole, missed his step, and fell. Down, down, down he tumbled, into the gaping abyss.

The last thing he remembered was the cracking of bones beneath him. Or were they sticks…?

"Hey, you. You're finally awake."

The two beefy dudes cracked their eyes open. A violet-haired gentleman was staring them down.

"W-Wha?" Jotaro finally managed to say. "Are you… Am I dead?"

"Hell no!" the stranger replied. "Last I checked, you still had a heartbeat."

Polnareff was the first to get up. "Thank you for dragging us to safety, sir. I'm Jean-Pierre Polnareff, and this is my friend Jotaro."

"It's a pleasure to meet you two. I'm Kafei." Before Kafei could continue, he began looking around frantically. "Now get down, you two, or Tatl will drag you into another musical number."

"Who the hell is Tatl?" Jotaro asked. As if in reply, a golden fairy flew down before shifting into human size and dragging the two newcomers by the neck.

"She's gonna sing, isn't she?" they all said in unison.

"WELCOME BACK TO TERMINA, HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR CAMERA, FEELING THE NOSTALGIA, MY WHAT A WONDERFUL—"

"I'VE COME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!" came a voice from behind them, interrupting the song. "Kafei Dotour is a bitch-ass motherfucker he pissed on my fucking waifu pillow. That's right, he took his Pillar Man fucking veiny dick out and he pissed on my fucking pillow and he said his dick was THIS BIG and I said 'That's disgusting.' so I'm making a call-out post on my Twitter dot com. Kafei you got a small dick, it's the size of this walnut except way smaller, and guess what? Here's what my dong looks like. That's right baby, all points, no quills, no pillows, look at that it looks like two balls and a bong! He fucked my daki, so guess what? I'm gonna fuck the Earth! That's right, this is what you get! My super laser piss! Except I'm not gonna piss on the Earth. I'm gonna go higher. I'm pissing on THE MOON! How do you like that Obama? I PISSED ON THE MOON YOU IDIOT! You have 23 hours until the piss droplets hit the fucking Earth, now get out of my fucking sight before I piss on you too."

Jotaro and Kakyoin held back as Kafei drew a knife on the man who made the announcement. "Those are LIES, Alessi! LIES, LIES, LIES, LIES! And you know it! But what else can I expect from the man who tried to sleep with my fiancée?"

What appeared to be a small child in a multicolored, heart-shaped mask appeared from behind Alessi. "Ey b0ss, what's going on?"

"Not now, Skull Kid, I'm about to end this fucker's life once and for all. Maybe I'll even get a taste of his wife's sweet, juicy lips—"

"HEY WHERE CAN I GET ALCOHOL AROUND HERE?"


	2. Shit Hits the Fan

Everything went silent as all eyes turned to Polnareff. Kafei eventually chimed in: "There's a milk bar somewhere around here. You're going to love it, man. The milk here is irresistible!"

Three minutes later, Polnareff and Kafei had left for the milk bar. It was comfortably warm and crowded as per the usual, and smooth jazz mingled with the chattering of people and the creamy smell of milk. Enthralled by it all, Polnareff pulled a cow-print barstool up to the bar. "Hey, bartender, give me a shot of everything you have!"

"Yeh, we have milk." The bartender spread out a selection of shot glasses. "We have uhhh regular milk, strawberry milk, vanilla milk, choclety milk, hot choclety milk, Froot Loops milk, coffee milk, green tea milk, milk flavored milk, cookies and cream milk, and cocaine."

"Sounds deli— wait, what was that last one?"

Kafei pulled Polnareff aside. "He only sells that to top-class patrons, like my parents. Now let's get TIPSAYYYY!"

The next hour or so went by in a blur. In no time at all, the two newfound friends were scoring point after point on the billiards table, belting out songs onstage (it was karaoke night), and leading the entire dance floor in the Cha Cha Slide, all in between shots of various milks. After about five glasses each, they collapsed next to each other on the nearest sofa.

"Y'know," Polnareff slurred, "that was a real nice night we had back there. Wait 'till I tell my fiancé about it…"

"Wait, you're getting married too? Who is she?"

"He, really. His name is Avdol, and he's a really cool guy. Oh, and he's a fortune-teller too! He knows how to do tarot cards and everything!"

"Gosh, now you're making me wish my dear Anju was that talented. But she's sweet and caring, and I wouldn't have her any other way! Man, I can't wait to tie the knot at this year's Carnival."

Word spread quickly through the bar, and soon a throng of people crowded around them and started cheering.

"A double wedding at the Carnival of Time? Impossible!"

"Congratulations, you two!"

"Hey, where do they hide all the cocaine?"

It was then that the two husbands-to-be looked at each other and said (once again in unison), "We have to leave."

By now, night had fallen over the alleyways of Clock Town. Anyone could be lurking anywhere. But neither Polnareff nor Kafei minded one bit. They were so caught up in their lingering daze that they barely noticed the two rustling noises behind them.

That is, until they jumped out in front of them.

"Prepare for trouble!"

"And make it double!"

"To infect the world with our obsession!"

"To unite all villains with age regression!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and fun!"

"To extend our reach to E621!"

"Alessi!"

"And Skull!"

"Team Sethan, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

"Shit…" Kafei muttered under his breath, before splitting up with Polnareff and diving into the nearest passageway.

"YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME, CHILDREN!" The two nasty gremlins gave chase after the characters from their respective fandoms, only to find them gone. There was only a series of conveniently placed doors. As you readers can probably guess, a Scooby-Doo style chase scene ensued. But this was far from a lighthearted romp; these two were real, and out for BLOOD!

Soon enough, Kafei found himself in a dead end. Three seconds later, Polnareff found himself in that same dead end. The sound of two hearts beating in panic was almost audible above the slathering breaths of two god-possessed maniacs.

"Well, well, well." Alessi leaned in close to Polnareff, close enough to smell his sickening mix of body odor and cough drop breath. "It seems our little game of tag has come to an end."

"Can you PLEASE back off? I think I'm going to throw up!" Polnareff choked out, gasping for breath.

"Well, that's the plan, buddy-o!" Skull Kid replied with a giggle. "Now you and your little grape friend are going to have to stand a _liiiiittle_ bit further from each other… yeah, like that…"

"A-And what are you going to do?" Kafei asked after following the instructions. Before he could process it, the two hooligans were already counting down.

"FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!"

_*Nintendo Switch clicking sound effect*_


End file.
